The Annihilation & Reconstruction Of The Self

Death is the inevitable outcome of life expressed in the cessation of one’s physical being. While we may have only witnessed the loss of loved ones with prolonged periods of excruciating grief, without truly having experienced death in its physical form, there are several other modes of death that we endure in a spiritual, psychological and imaginative sense as we move along life.

The person I stand today is a result of having encountered numerous demises of the person I was; of the bonds, relationships, and connections that were shattered resulting in the annihilation of the illusions and fallacies that I’d sustained. The outcome? An individual who became resilient, stood her ground firmly and drew boundaries to honour her being in the living present.

Often, death, in a figurative fashion can be characterized as a phenomenon that corresponds to the loss of hope, and belief in self, or in the greater world. When we encounter mounting circumstances of despair, with the inability to become independent, to achieve our goals and dreams and in the loss of intimate relationships, we end up feeling distraught, despondent and agitated as though, the episodes of grief are bound to last a lifetime.

I happened to have resonated with such feelings, only over a period of time, in a series of unfavourable events. There was a loss of self; or at least, in a sense of self, which Carl Jung, an eminent psychologist would deem as the death of the ‘ego state’ with reference to a dearth of pure consciousness.

My renewed journey of the self effectuated post the death of a previous version in a battle with a mental health condition. Post having experienced debilitating circumstances, I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for the first time at the age of 18. Intrusive thoughts, endless cycles of rumination and the performance of compulsions, have been an integral part of my struggle with OCD, with these being the common symptoms endured by many who suffer from this condition.

In addition to these, excessive overthinking, anger outbursts, death ideation, mental compulsions, sensory overload and feeling overwhelmed and anxious in groups has been excruciating, and a lot of close connections have fallen apart as a result. Some opportunities and ventures have also been missed, which inevitably led to the overcompensation of the activities I happen to pursue now.

There is an evident lack of sensitization on mental health due to stigma, and OCD happens to be an anxiety disorder, commonly misunderstood by many mental health professionals as well. I’ve sought treatment a couple of times in the past; however, things didn’t pan out well, until I set the intention to take a conscious decision with proper aid and support, coming from a state of extreme despondency to alter my lifestyle, habits and actively work on diminishing my compulsions through the right means.

With excessive obsessive thoughts and invariably shifting compulsions, it often becomes a Herculean task to monitor and regulate my thoughts and actions day-in and day-out. Nevertheless, blithe optimism, a great deal of rationality and a support system have been conducive to aid OCD recovery. In the initial stages, my journey involved self-destructive behaviours, which I observed had led to a collision of the self.

The annihilation of self through habitual inconsistencies on the one hand evoked a feeling of sheer gloom; however, on the other hand, it created space to birth a new version of myself. What I realized was that death had occurred, in parts of my personality that I was mulish enough not to change. I would perceive myself as a strong, level-headed individual, who knew where she was heading, and where her endeavours would lead her. When they didn’t resonate with the ends I had in mind, I had to effectuate another course, and thus, I re-evaluated the discrepancies in my behaviour that were hindering my growth in life and in relationships.

The fear of confronting a metaphorical death of my habits, traits and attitude is what barred me from embodying an actualized version of myself. What a figurative death essentially does is put one in a state of extreme desperation, wherein, you’re left with no other option but to induce change within yourself, if not in your circumstances. It is required to break away from the old patterns and behaviours that aren’t conducive to growth, or to learning.

So, does this imply that death, an allegorical one can be embraced? As quoted by William C. Hanna, “I no longer feared the darkness once I knew the Phoenix in me would rise from the ashes.” So, the answer is yes, especially when the outcome is a brand new version of yourself, while you cast off the primaeval characteristics of your former being, renew your qualities, move ahead in life with a stronger sense of self.